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Tammy
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Saying Goodbye
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Petloss
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Saying Goodbye
is not Forever
Song
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"Tears are proof of life.
The more love, the more tears.
If this be true, then how could we ever ask that the pain cease altogether.
For then the memory of love would go with it.
The pain of grief is the price we pay for love"
|
| I
was all alone on the floor screaming and yelling with pain hearing it as if it
was coming from someone else. A large part of me - the most important part died
along with Tammy on the first day of April 2000. Fifteen years of love and friendship
ended with an injection from someone who thought she she was just another old
dog. |
When
I was in hospital it was easy to pretend that everything was normal. I was in
hospital and Tammy was at home waiting for me. I would return home and we would
rush to each other and Tammy would squeal with delight and I would cry with joy,
and we would snuggle and cuddle together again.
But the day came when I was
discharged from hospital and for the first time ever I did not want to go home.
I wheeled out of the hospital on that cold April day and it was pouring of rain.
It felt as if the whole world was crying for her too. I got into the car and the
trip back to the place which used to be my home began. On other trips home from
the hospital I would start shouting " I'm coming Tammy, I'm coming !"
As we got nearer to home I would shout louder excited at seeing her again. The
worst part of being in hospital was always being apart from Tammy. In 1998 I spent
4 weeks in hospital and this is what I wrote in my notebook
" I'm going
to hold Tammy so close when I get home, and never ever let her go. I won't ever
be parted from her again. It's breaking my heart it hurts more than all of this
"
I am pleased to say I never was parted from her again, my family tried
to persuade me to leave her behind when we went on holiday in October 1999, but
of course I would not.
|
The Last picture of us together | On
this trip I had to bite my tongue, as my heart sank to my stomach and huge tears
rolled down my face. This trip was much shorter than all the previous ones had been, and all too soon we were back at the place which used to feel like home. One of the hardest things I have ever had to do in my life was to wheel into the bungalow through the kitchen door, and Tammy was not there to excitedly greet me and never would be again. I broke down and could not manage to manoeuvre my wheelchair and someone had to push me. I held my hands out in front of me, to stroke my best friend who was no longer there, and I wished that I had died too. |
Tammy's
casket was sitting on my bed, and I hugged it as I had once hugged her. I wondered
what would be the best thing to do with her ashes, I am not religious, I do not
believe in heaven or hell. I wish I could believe in The Rainbow Bridge as I would
have gone there to meet up with her by now, but I don't believe.
My Tammy
is dead and gone forever and we will never be together again - only in my heart
where she is safely buried with my love and gratitude.
I wondered what Tammy
might have said if I had been able to ask her what she would have liked to be
done with her ashes, I think she would probably have said "I want them to
stay with you Mum" So I have kept them with me, I have no illusions I know
that they are not her.
When I die my mother has promised to have me cremated
and to mix my ashes with Tammy's , and have us sprinkled together in Gills Lap
(The Enchanted Place in A.A. Milne's Pooh books)
"Pooh
when I'm you know - when I'm not doing nothing, will you come up here sometimes
?"
"Just me?"
"Yes Pooh"
"Will you be
here too?"
"Yes Pooh, I will be really. I promise I will be Pooh."
"That's good" said Pooh
"Pooh promise you won't forget about
me ever. Not even when I'm a hundred"
"How old shall I be then?"
"Ninety nine"
"I promise"he said
Still with his eyes
on the world Christopher Robin put out a hand and felt for Pooh's paw.
"Pooh"
he said earnestly "if....if I'm not quite..." he stopped and tried again."Pooh
whatever happens, you will understand won't you?"
"Understand what?"
"Oh nothing" he laughed and jumped to his feet "Come on !"
"Where?" said Pooh
"Anywhere" said Christopher Robin
So they went off together. But wherever they go and whatever happens to them on
the way, in that Enchanted Place on the top of the Forest a little boy and his
Bear will always be playing.
Tammy
you softened and helped me to cope with my health and disability problems. I could
not have faced or survived it all without you. You truly were an Angel.
If
we had not shared such happiness and fun, and had not loved each other so very
much I would not be feeling the pain I feel every day now.
I am grateful for
my pain, because it means I knew true love.
Thank you my Angel.
Your
Mummy loves you more than anyone in the world and back again twice.
Love Cannot Die.
"True love doesn't have a happy ending, true love doesn't have an ending"
I have had many emails and guestbook entries asking me how things are now, and if I have another dog etc - so I have written an Epilogue(August 2005)